I play now without giving it much thought; the fingers on my left hand are becoming hellish, cracked landscapes, going numb; it's strange to think I was once timid with the strings. The keyboard continues to evade my attempts to get a hold of it, to get both hands playing in concert with each other; instead I return to the bass, which feels more natural to me. I feel trapped in a nightmare, trying to shake the walls apart with harmony and melody. It comes, but slowly and through trial and error; some instruments seem too technical to master by wit alone. The keyboard is the most unnatural instrument I own; a synthesizer. The keys act more like pedals. A naturalistic approach is almost impossible; the footholds of reality are digitally reproduced. Something analog would at least allow me to play with shape, and intensity, along with normal pitch. I feel like a Fauvist who's been given nothing but cardboard boxes to paint when I try to play the keyboard I have; it's very disconcerting a sensation. Is there any way out of this?