Thursday, April 10, 2008
Today I've failed. I let my guard down and the devil took me in my sleep. I've lost the strength I need to stand up against this desperate time and the only honorable thing to do is to die like a soldier. I'm disgusted with myself and I'd be a fraud if I attempted to live on and forget it. Please take care of my dog and remember me for my righteousness. This I do in the name of Love, love which I tried to hold out for, love which never came and left me cold. Farewell.
The sensation of my life repeating is beginning to fade into the background. It was present for a few months and seemed to reach its climax when I introduced Zhanar into my world. Everything seemed familiar: the room inside the humane society where I looked at the dogs, the dogs themselves, my observation that they have dreams while they sleep; then there was the night after I brought her home, when we both moved through an anxious sleep while Pink Floyd played in the background, mimicking the dream I had had two nights before which inspired me to go out and bring her home.
She is beginning to learn that there is only one Jeremiah in the world. Sometimes he takes out his bass and plays until his fingers and ears are numb. Sometimes I stays in bed until the afternoon and she's forced to take extended naps. Sometimes I'm uptight and react harshly to her insolence. But I take her out and she gets to see everyone around me, and there's so many people downtown that she's quickly exhausted by the experience of taking in so many faces and smells. She's like a small child; she gets bored with something after a while. That's why I'm intent on not leashing her. She hates the leash, refuses to follow me outside with it on; just stares at me with eyes that say "don't you know me well enough by now that we don't have to play this charade?", and I submit. I have faith that after a while she'll get tired of running after strangers, tired of hearing me shout "no" whenever she does something she's not supposed to. She will grow up to be a very smart dog; I can already see her personality developing. I'm hard on her like I am with everything I do, and she's learning quickly my temperament and the difference between when I'm bluffing and when I mean business. I have to stay creative, find new ways to challenge her and maintain my authority; repetition hardly works; often I have to rely on ingenuity to outwit her or get a point across.
Our closest genetic relatives in the animal kingdom may be the primate family, but it is surely the canines who are closest to us in disposition. She reminds me so much like a person that it makes it hurt even more when she behaves in ways that I don't understand, however most of the time I feel as if she's a person just like myself; her constant presence has seeped into my subconscious and there are often times when I'm outside and the behavior of people seems dog-like underneath the surface.
I don't know if she loves me or even likes being around me; it's possible she may simply tolerate me, as I suspect most people do. That's why I take her outside as much as possible and introduce her to everyone I can. I never want her to feel like I'm lording over her and keeping her from others. I want her to know that I'm simply her guardian and that the whole world is at her disposal when she needs it.
If anything, she's attached to me, which is also similar to my relationship with people: one where they can't live with me but can't live without me. No matter how badly we get into it over her bad behavior, at the end of the day she sleeps with me and follows me everywhere I go. I feel it's my duty to keep from abusing that. I do not see her as a pet; I see her as a friend. Like all friends, she needs her space, and I don't feel jealousy when she's more interested in strangers than myself, and I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if a few years down the road she doesn't need my constant attention. Honestly, it would be a relief; I need my space, too.
She is beginning to learn that there is only one Jeremiah in the world. Sometimes he takes out his bass and plays until his fingers and ears are numb. Sometimes I stays in bed until the afternoon and she's forced to take extended naps. Sometimes I'm uptight and react harshly to her insolence. But I take her out and she gets to see everyone around me, and there's so many people downtown that she's quickly exhausted by the experience of taking in so many faces and smells. She's like a small child; she gets bored with something after a while. That's why I'm intent on not leashing her. She hates the leash, refuses to follow me outside with it on; just stares at me with eyes that say "don't you know me well enough by now that we don't have to play this charade?", and I submit. I have faith that after a while she'll get tired of running after strangers, tired of hearing me shout "no" whenever she does something she's not supposed to. She will grow up to be a very smart dog; I can already see her personality developing. I'm hard on her like I am with everything I do, and she's learning quickly my temperament and the difference between when I'm bluffing and when I mean business. I have to stay creative, find new ways to challenge her and maintain my authority; repetition hardly works; often I have to rely on ingenuity to outwit her or get a point across.
Our closest genetic relatives in the animal kingdom may be the primate family, but it is surely the canines who are closest to us in disposition. She reminds me so much like a person that it makes it hurt even more when she behaves in ways that I don't understand, however most of the time I feel as if she's a person just like myself; her constant presence has seeped into my subconscious and there are often times when I'm outside and the behavior of people seems dog-like underneath the surface.
I don't know if she loves me or even likes being around me; it's possible she may simply tolerate me, as I suspect most people do. That's why I take her outside as much as possible and introduce her to everyone I can. I never want her to feel like I'm lording over her and keeping her from others. I want her to know that I'm simply her guardian and that the whole world is at her disposal when she needs it.
If anything, she's attached to me, which is also similar to my relationship with people: one where they can't live with me but can't live without me. No matter how badly we get into it over her bad behavior, at the end of the day she sleeps with me and follows me everywhere I go. I feel it's my duty to keep from abusing that. I do not see her as a pet; I see her as a friend. Like all friends, she needs her space, and I don't feel jealousy when she's more interested in strangers than myself, and I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if a few years down the road she doesn't need my constant attention. Honestly, it would be a relief; I need my space, too.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Dub is mighty. Perry is good.
He talks a lot about righteousness. This used to bother me because it almost sounds like Christian music. But he smokes weed, and he's Rastafarian, so I give it a chance.
Despite how I keep going on about the movie Idiocracy, it is actually the book Neuromancer that feels most like the future: cold and brutal. When I read Neuromancer, I said, if that's the future of things, I'd rather be up there in Zion Cluster smoking ganja than working for Babylon. It made my skin crawl to imagine living like Case, taking all that speed. I tried speed, too, while I was reading it; I didn't like it. I knew then I had to quit my job; my job represented Babylon, everything I knew was unlike my character. I couldn't be myself, got mocked for it. Now I'm free and I can be myself, listen to Perry and feel everything he says, never have to see a day where I walk into that office and become my nemesis.
He talks a lot about righteousness. This used to bother me because it almost sounds like Christian music. But he smokes weed, and he's Rastafarian, so I give it a chance.
Despite how I keep going on about the movie Idiocracy, it is actually the book Neuromancer that feels most like the future: cold and brutal. When I read Neuromancer, I said, if that's the future of things, I'd rather be up there in Zion Cluster smoking ganja than working for Babylon. It made my skin crawl to imagine living like Case, taking all that speed. I tried speed, too, while I was reading it; I didn't like it. I knew then I had to quit my job; my job represented Babylon, everything I knew was unlike my character. I couldn't be myself, got mocked for it. Now I'm free and I can be myself, listen to Perry and feel everything he says, never have to see a day where I walk into that office and become my nemesis.
I'd like to give a shout out at this time to Yen for standing fast in the face of mediocrity. Yen, I think your Dreamgirls posters are all really awesome. I'm not trying to put anyone down, and Gaye is a close second place, but Yen seems to be the only person really letting her artistic side show and it reminds me of poster designs from Poland.
While I'm at it, I'd also like to say hey to Carla and Aiyana from the courtyard; thanks for being cool with my dog; she appreciates it. She's being good tonight. I want her to feel like the world belongs to her and that people are good. I know for sure that when she's a big dog she'll be gentle and kind, and she'll know who her friends are when it comes time to have to protect them.
I'm kinda glad that I was forced to go looking for a job in such a desperate situation because I've gotten yet another glimpse at how the world is changing. Unskilled hiring is becoming totally automated; yet another similarity to the world of Idiocracy. A manager doesn't invite you sit down and talk; you're rarely even asked to fill out a paper application. You're either told to visit the website and do it online or there's a computer station which does something that paper applications never did: administer a short psychological evaluation that only a moron would fail. I'm glad things have turned out the way I have; each push into scary situations makes me stronger. If I'd stayed at my old job, I'd have been unprepared for the rest of my life.
While I'm at it, I'd also like to say hey to Carla and Aiyana from the courtyard; thanks for being cool with my dog; she appreciates it. She's being good tonight. I want her to feel like the world belongs to her and that people are good. I know for sure that when she's a big dog she'll be gentle and kind, and she'll know who her friends are when it comes time to have to protect them.
I'm kinda glad that I was forced to go looking for a job in such a desperate situation because I've gotten yet another glimpse at how the world is changing. Unskilled hiring is becoming totally automated; yet another similarity to the world of Idiocracy. A manager doesn't invite you sit down and talk; you're rarely even asked to fill out a paper application. You're either told to visit the website and do it online or there's a computer station which does something that paper applications never did: administer a short psychological evaluation that only a moron would fail. I'm glad things have turned out the way I have; each push into scary situations makes me stronger. If I'd stayed at my old job, I'd have been unprepared for the rest of my life.
I spent all day job-hunting. It started out pretty good; I'm glad I had the burst of energy to carry me through because it was emotionally draining. Zhanar was good company and I made sure to park in the shade, leave the windows cracked, and bring her water. She had fun at the beginning of the day when I woke up this afternoon and took her over to the GSU courtyard and let her run around. I met a couple of people from before and we hung out for a few minutes; I had them watch her while I went into the library to return some movies. She pooped in the sculpture garden about a foot from Mono II, so I see she's already taking after me as an art critic (good dog!)
But, man, after a while I felt so drained, so alone, so empty. I'm grateful for my dog to get me through this period, but it still hurts so bad to not have someone in my life. My emotions keep switching between exhileration from living so much on the edge than I ever have before and fatal depression. I woke up this afternoon and took inventory of my money situation. I have negative dollars in the bank and two maxed out credit cards with about $50 left, and unless I get work immediately I could face starvation and have to start pawning shit off. It's scary and exciting all mixed up in one. If I needed some real love at any time in my life, it would be right now.
But, man, after a while I felt so drained, so alone, so empty. I'm grateful for my dog to get me through this period, but it still hurts so bad to not have someone in my life. My emotions keep switching between exhileration from living so much on the edge than I ever have before and fatal depression. I woke up this afternoon and took inventory of my money situation. I have negative dollars in the bank and two maxed out credit cards with about $50 left, and unless I get work immediately I could face starvation and have to start pawning shit off. It's scary and exciting all mixed up in one. If I needed some real love at any time in my life, it would be right now.
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